


One Point

by Cinderpaw1, dancer4813



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, No Spoilers, Tal'dorei Campaign, about doors, because this is vox machina, crackfic, doors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 06:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12624777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinderpaw1/pseuds/Cinderpaw1, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancer4813/pseuds/dancer4813
Summary: Doors have always haunted Vox Machina. But the doors of Whitestone plague one particular member more than the others.





	One Point

**Author's Note:**

> "My bathroom door in Whitestone deals 1 point of bludgeoning damage every time I go through it!"
> 
> -Vax'ildan, while playing Bunions and Flagons
> 
> A crackfic Cinder and I came up with during Grog's oneshot last night. We really are trash for this fandom, and I hope you enjoy our ridiculousness ;)

"Percival."

"Hmmm?" Percy asked, looking up from his breakfast to Vax. "Yes - do you need something?"

"The doors here are fucking broken," he mumbled, flopping into one of the chairs at the dining table.

"How do you mean?" Percy asked, tilting his head to the side. Vax looked up at him with a frown.

"I mean, every time I try to walk through a door, it smacks me in the ass, and fucking hurts." Vax complained.

"I mean, doors are always cruel to us," Percy replied. "But the doors here are perfectly normal."

"They’re doors,” Grog agreed from his end of the table, currently working his way through a small pile of food.

"No, they aren't normal!" Vax scoffed. "The doors hit you on your way through. I think you should check and make sure they aren't possessed."

"You don't think I've had Allura and Eskil look around the whole castle for any sort of tampering?" Percy asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Are you sure you're not cursed or something?" Pike asked, " I mean, all doors that are human-sized or bigger tend to give me a little difficulty, but I don't think these are anything special."

"I dunno, I've gotten hit with the doors a lot myself," Keyleth said. “But I also hit the doors. Maybe they’re just angry at you.”

"There is absolutely nothing wrong about the doors here," Percy said. "I know doors are troublesome for us, but these are just doors, I swear."

"Scanlan, my man, please tell me you've had trouble with these doors," Vax pleaded.

"I always have trouble with these doors, they're human sized! I have to jump to reach the knob!" Scanlan pointed out. "I'm pretty small, you know."

Vex walked into the room, yawning slightly and moving to kiss the top of Percy's head before going to get her own breakfast. "Good morning, all,” she greeted.

"Do you have any troubles with the doors here?" Vax appealed hurriedly.

"Trouble?" she asked, eyebrows furrowing. "Not that I'm aware of. Did you get locked out of a temple again, brother?"

"That was one time!" he protested. "But are you sure? They don't hit you or anything as you go through them?"

"I mean, sometimes, but I'm usually drunk or tired, so I'm pretty sure that's just my own fault." Vex shrugged, sitting down and shoving a mouthful of potatoes into her mouth.

"But _none_ of you have noticed them, like, hitting you on the way through?" Vax asked, looking around at the rest of the group. Grog, Pike, and Scanlan shrugged, and Keyleth shook her head, looking concerned.

"Brother, what did you have to drink last night?" Vex asked, lifting a speculative eyebrow.

"Maybe it was that hag you made that deal with a long time ago?" Pike suggested slowly. "Maybe she finally called in her favor and cursed you?"

"I had _maybe_ one glass of wine. And why would she curse me to get pestered by doors? That's a stupid curse."

"Pretty funny though," Grog said with a chuckle. "Getting’ smacked on the bum every time you go through one?"

"Maybe she had a sense of humor we weren't expecting," Scanlan snickered.

The door opened then, and Cassandra slipped through. She was stressed from all the work that still needed to be done around Whitestone, but she had a warm smile for them all as she entered the dining room. "Good morning."

"See, Cass didn't have any issues," Vex pointed out.

"Have any issues with what?" Cassandra asked, slowing her approach to the table with new wariness.

"Getting through the door," Vax grumbled, going back to his food. "Apparently I'm the only one struggling with doors who smack me as I walk through them."

Cassandra quirked an eyebrow at him, then looked to Percy, who shrugged.

"Doors are usually a problem for us when we're out adventuring, but the doors here have always been normal," Percy explained to his sister. "Except for Vax, apparently."

"Well, does he know how to work the doors in the castle?" Cassandra asked.

"I thought I did," Vax mumbled. "Just like any other door, right? You push or pull it open and you- I can't believe I'm trying to explain how a door works."

"Do you close the door behind you?" Cassandra asked. "Because if you let it fall closed as you walk in, of course it'll hit you. You're supposed to keep a hand on the handle until the door is closed."

"What? Hold onto the-" Vax was dumbfounded. "Who came up with that brilliant idea? Doors aren't supposed to hit the people who walk through them, regardless of how you do so."

"That's how doors work?" Cassandra replied with a shrug, smiling as she thanked the servant who brought her a cup of tea, and she took a sip as Vax rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers.

"That is how we were raised to open doors," Percy agreed.

"That is... not how it is in the rest of Exandria..." Vax said, still confused. "Is that something your ancestors brought over from Wildmount or something?"

"Maybe?" Cassandra shrugged.

Just then, the door opened and Tary walked in. Vax noticed that, just as Cassandra had stated, Tary kept his hand on the knob and closed it behind him.

"Tary!" Vax exclaimed, and the man stopped in place, eyes wide.

"Vax'ildan?" he asked, looking more than a little confused.

"The doors. They don't smack you" Vax gestured. "And you close them by holding the handle!"

Tary frowned slightly. "...Because that's how you close doors?" he asked, looking genuinely confused.

"That's- Okay, seriously, is that a Wildmount thing? I swear, the doors in Marquet and Vasselheim don't do that!"

"They don't have a ton of doors in Marquet," Scanlan pointed out, clambering up on the table so he could be closer to the conversation. "Mostly curtains and such, but again, most of them aren't gnome-sized, so I wouldn't know."

Vax flung his arms up in exasperation. "None of you find it crazy that the doors hurt you if you don't close them properly?" he asked, glancing around the table.

The rest of Vox Machina, Cassandra included, were staring at him like he had had a little too much to drink.

A pause.

"My gods, I think he's finally cracked," Percy said, breaking the silence.

"It's... just how it is, brother," Vex said, reaching over to put a hand on his arm. "It's been like this since we got here - I'd actually forgotten, to be honest. But that's how they work..."

Vax just shook his head. "I'm done for right now,” he huffed, getting up and walking away from the table.

As he left, he opened the door, which proceeded to smack him in the back as he walked through.

"Motherfucker!" he swore, and the rest of the table burst out into laughter, unable to contain themselves.


End file.
